Notes of a Nomad

In rhetorical analysis, we pay alot of attention to metaphors. One common technique is to use mixed metaphors, drawing from some aspects of one metaphor, ignoring other aspects, and drawing from a different metaphor, to make the strongest point. For example, at it’s simplest level, the words “root” and “anchor” have similar connotative meanings. However, they convey an idea in very different ways, that also have unique ideas associated with each one of them. Root – tree – life. Anchor – ship – journey. I could go on and on, but I have to write a 25 page paper about that in the next week, so I stop there.

Anyways, that is why I have posted three different things, three different ways of looking at the weight tugging at my heart (aha! another metaphor!). Each thing conveys the same feeling in slightly different ways; each in its own way does the best at getting at a certain part of my feelings. Also, within each of these song lyrics or metaphors I am posting, there are lyrics/images that apply to my feelings, and some that do not. However, I will post the entire song, because it may be something that helps someone else.

“Half of My Heart” – John Mayer

I was born in the arms of imaginary friends
Free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I’ve been
Then you come crashing in, like the realest thing
Trying my best to understand all that your love can bring

Oh half of my heart’s got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart’s got a right mind to tell you
That I can’t keep loving you
Oh, with half of my heart

I was made to believe i’d never love somebody else
I made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself
Lonely was the song I sang, ’til the day you came
Showing me a better way and all that my love can bring

Oh half of my heart’s got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart’s got a right mind to tell you
That I can’t keep loving you
Oh, with half of my heart
With half of my heart

Your faith is strong
But I can only fall short for so long
Time will hold, later on
You will hate that I never gave more to you than half of my heart
But I can’t stop loving you
But I can’t stop loving you
But I can’t stop loving you with half of my…

Half of my heart
Half of my heart

Half of my heart’s got a real good imagination
Half of my heart’s got you
Half of my heart’s got a right mind to tell you
That half of my heart won’t do

Half of my heart is a shotgun wedding to a [groom] with a paper ring
And half of my heart is the part of a [girl] who’s never really loved anything

Half of my heart

During homecoming week, my roommate Liz and I did the Great Urban Race. It’s like this huge clue/scavenger hunt with hundreds of teams in which you decipher clues and go to various places around town to get the clue sheet stamped, take a picture, or do some sort of activity. Now, in the official Great Urban Race, every team has exactly the same clue sheet, in exactly the same order, with exactly the same places to go. It’s up to the team to decide what order to follow those clues. For our particular race, we were allowed to skip one of the clues, but that isn’t always the case in the GUR.

I want to present a hypothetical situation: assume that for the Great Urban Race, there are no more than two clue sheets that are exactly alike. Some sheets are very different, others only have one different clue, etc. Also assume that no clues can be skipped, and that depending on your clue sheet, the finish line is also in a different place than some of the others.

With those modifications, finding “the one” or that “right person” or however you want to put it…the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with, is kind of like the Great Urban Race.

In the GUR, you follow various clues that lead you to specific places on your way to your ultimate destination, or vocation. So let’s think of this illustrative example.

Girl is following her set of clues, we’ll call it set 1b. This set, set 1b, directs her to various locations from a certain starting point (starting point 1b). Every set of clues has only one exact match in the bunch, and this exact match may or may not be held by someone who is also participating in the race (in this case, the match to this set would be set 1a. confused yet?).

During the race, on the way to one of her clues, Girl passes a boy she is very attracted to. Of course, Boy1 is attracted to her, too. They decide to start doing the scavenger hunt together. They work on their clues together, assuming that they are following the same set of clues. They want to get a good time on the race, so they don’t check very thoroughly – just enough to see that their next clue is, indeed the same. They get along so well that they just believe they must be using the same clue sheet.

In reality, it is not the same clue sheet. They have some of the same clues, but it is not an exact match. Boy1 has clue sheet 2a. (remember, 1b would be the exact match). However, Girl trusts Boy1, and so she lets him make the decision about the next clue without her consultation, because he seems so certain. When she follows him, she completely misses the next clue she had on her list. Just with this one step, she has already lost her way to her intended destination, but everything still seems to be going great.

Then, she looks at the following clue on her sheet. Girl is absolutely sure she knows where it leads, and Boy1 isn’t as certain about it, and so he follows the girl out of trust. Now HE has stepped off his path and is on his way to completely missing his own destination. If they continue this way, both will miss very important clues, and ultimately, when they arrive together at the finish line, one or both of them will be at the wrong finish line.

_____

Now let’s consider a different scenario. Girl takes clue sheet 1b and focuses only on the clues. She doesn’t pay attention to what everyone else is doing, because she knows many of them, well, most of them, have different clue sheets, and the odds of picking out the one person that has a matching clue sheet out of the hundreds are very slim. Although she is working alone, she is able to get to the right stop for the first several clues because she is correctly following the clue sheet given her.

At one of the stops, she notices Boy2. She can’t tell if he is there because his clue led him there, or if he’s lost his way, so she doesn’t pay much attention. But then, a few stops later, he is there again. She decides not to jump to conclusions…she knows that some of the clue sheets share many of the same clues; that this must just be coincidence. “I mean, if all the clues were exactly the same, why didn’t I see him for several of the stops?” In reality, he had been going to all the same stops, he was just sometimes a few steps ahead or a few steps behind.Remember, people can choose to follow clues in any order.

But then she sees him at the next stop, and then the next. She begins to wonder if their clue sheets are, in fact the same. However, neither of them assumes that is the case.  They are both making good time, so anticipating a possible opportunity to strategize and work even faster, they decide to take a few moments to carefully compare their clue sheets. She notices that he has clue sheet 1b. Looking at the stamps from the completed clues, they see that they had been to all the same places. Reading down the sheet carefully, they compare each clue. It takes a little time, but eventually, after reading every clue, they realize their clue sheets are an exact match.

They start to follow the clues together, agreeing where each is sending them. Sometimes they disagree, but work through it and together find the right answer. Sometimes, when they don’t agree on an answer, in the moment of uncertainty, they decide to split ways. But, because their clue sheets are an exact match, the separation doesn’t last. One person realizes their mistake and rushes to the place the other person went, or the very next clue, being the same, brings them together again.

Ultimately, they reach the same finish line together. The most beautiful thing is, they can be CERTAIN they are both in the right place. Why? Because they saw each other at the same stops. They have seen each others’ clue sheets, confirming they were in the same places, on the same path, not because they wanted to be together more than they wanted to be successful at the scavenger hunt, but because keeping their eyes on the clues and the ultimate goal led them to each other – the way it should be.

So, take some time to reflect. During the race, did you just find someone you liked and bring them with you or blindly follow them? Or, do you know what’s on your partner’s clue sheet? Did you choose someone who was already walking the same path as you, who you found beside you many times before you started working together?
In the first case, you can be certain you will miss some of the stops God intended for you to see, and one, or both of you will miss out on the ultimate destination intended for you. However, in the second case, you both can be certain that you hit every stop God laid out for you on the clue sheets.

The key is paying attention to the clues, clearly written to direct YOU, specifically, uniquely and individually, and not paying too much attention to external signs which may just be coincidence. Follow YOUR clues and watch for a person who shows up in all the same places you do – not because they followed you (in fact, they may not even notice you), but because they may have the same clue sheet, with the same destination and treasure to share.

John Mayer has some compelling lyrics in his new album, “Battle Studies.” It’s always a comfort when new music comes along right when you need it most. These lyrics just illustrate the pain in any fight or breakup, no matter if it was a choice you made or the decision of the other person.

Peace doesn’t always come without pain. Victory doesn’t come without a battle.
I can’t see very far ahead of me right now, but with every crossroads, you step off one path, choose another, and never step foot on the third.

Listen to it on You Tube

“Heartbreak Warfare”
Lighting strikes inside
My chest keep me up at night
Dream of ways to make you understand my pain
Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
Its heartbreak warfare

Once you want it to begin
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare

If you want more love
why dont you say so
If you want more love
why dont you say so

Drop his name, push it in and twist the knife again
Watch my face as I pretend to feel no pain pain pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
Its heartbreak warfare

Once you want it to begin
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare

If you want more love
Why dont you say so
If you want more love
Why dont you say so
Just say so

How come the only way to know
How high to get me
Is to see how far I fall

God only knows how much
Id love you if you let me
But I cant break through it all

Its heart, heartbreak

I dont care if we dont sleep at all tonight
Lets just fix this whole thing now
I swear to God were gonna get it right
If you lay your weapons down

Red wine and ambien, youre talking shit again
Its heartbreak warfare

Good to know its all a game
Disappointment has a name
Its heartbreak, heartbreak

Its heartbreak warfare
Its heartbreak warfare

“Man thinks he has got rid of a sense of sin, but in
reality he has only cast away the compass
guiding his own conscience and vital
development. He resembles a seafarer who has lost his way
on the high seas, has lost contact with the shore.”

Sometimes when people feel lost enough, they feel the only way to shake the feeling is to get rid of the compass – that way there is nothing to remind them they are lost and they gain the exhilaration of facing the raging sea head-on, not knowing or not caring what is coming, just hoping for the best and to one day see the sun and the shore on the other side of the storm.

Ok, so I admit, I was a BIG bum yesterday. After coming home from work, I turned on “He’s Just Not Into You” while I ate lunch. I ended up watching the whole thing. Then I decided to turn on “Bride Wars” while I made more plastic bag yarn (see previous post). I watched the whole thing. Then Liz and I decided to go back to Red Box and rent another movie. We ended up watching “The International” (it was a toss-up betwee that and “Valkyrie.” Why the stark change in genre? I wanted something different. I was sick of the romantic  comedies.

But maybe it wasn’t so different. “The International” had intrigue and suspense and adventure. Girls are taught that our adventure lies in finding Prince Charming, and getting married and living happily ever after. But the message from the first two movies I watched ended with different insights than the usual. The message was that sometimes, we find our happy ending starting over, or being single, and doing things on our own…and that sometimes, that person we will always be able to count on to come to our rescue and be there through thick and thin isn’t some guy, but our best friend who has been there through it all.

But why do we always feel like we need someone there to come to our rescue? Yes, being human means needing human connections, needing relationships. But do we have to have that one person who we know will pull us out of sticky situations and let us know everything is going to be ok? Have we been too enamored with this story of rescue that we’ve become cowards who can’t step up and tackle our own problems? Do we put things off and run away from things hoping someone will do them for us or  run after us? Is that so we can avoid the potential disappointment of chasing after something only to fail or never find it?

I’ve always kind of accepted where my life has lead. Yes, it’s been wonderful, and I’ve been happy for my experiences. But I loved water polo so much because yes, it is fun, but I also happened to be good at it. I loved working hard at school because I already know I was smart enough to succeed at it. I really wanted to, and got excited about grad school only after I found out I had been accepted. Very few times have I taken a chance at something I always wanted to do but didn’t know if I’d be good at it. Perhaps it’s time to be less of a coward and take a chance at things that I always wished I could do but was afraid to find out if I had what it takes.

Think about your typical summer day. You wake up, take a shower. How long is that shower? You make breakfast, you wash your dishes. Throughout the day, what do you do? At some point in the week, you’ll wash your car.Depending on where you live, you’ll spend time at the pool, the beach, by the river, or on the lake. You drink water, you cook with water, you clean with water.  You go grocery shopping. They bag everything in plastic bags. Do you throw them away? Re-use them as trash bags or lunch bags? Do you have a huge pile of them under your sink like I do?

I love water. This is my first year not living right next to a huge body of water. I love to play in, near, on, and under water.

We need water. And yet, within 20 years, it is highly likely that more than half the world’s population will be without clean water. WITHIN 20 YEARS. But we can do something now, little things each day, to help clean up and conserve our water.

It’s called the 90-Day Plan. Designed by Kristian Gustavson of BelowTheSurface. Implemented and promoted by people who recognize our responsibility to take care of our resources and protect our water and all that depend on it. Not only to protect for our needs, but to preserve the great beauty of our oceans, lakes, and rivers to be enjoyed for generations to come.

Each day, I’ll blog about what I am doing to maintain my commitment to the 90-Day Plan and each step recommended. I encourage you to check out the Below the Surface website (see link above), and check out the 90-Day Plan on Twitter, YouTube, and Facebook. The 90-Day Plan also has its own blog.

Today is Day 4: PASS on PLASTIC

Stop using plastic grocery bags. Buy reusable grocery totes and a reusable water bottle. But what about all those plastic bags you already have? I have a huuuge pile of plastic grocery bags in a container in my kitchen. I decided to figure out what I could do with those, aside from using them for garbage, as they’d still end up in a landfill, or worse, contributing to pollution like this. I found out instructions on how to turn those bags into “yarn” that could then be crocheted into sturdy, funky totes that can be used for groceries, to take to the beach, to carry books, or give as a gift! So today, I am starting my new project: turning plastic bags left unused or tossed into usable items that hopefully will not end up in a landfill or a body of water somewhere.

See how to make your own bags!

So last week, I went on a road trip. I’ll be writing more about the road trip later. Anyway, to save money, I planned on couchsurfing and sleeping in my car. I have a Ford Escape…so I put the back seats down and had a cozy living area in the back of the car.

As it turns out…I only slept  in the car once…which was a little disappointing. On the second night of my trip, I put the car on a ferry headed out to South Bass Island on Lake Erie, Ohio. I parked the car at the State Park campsite for the night. As I was getting ready to go to bed, a thought occured to me: I had forgotten all about the stars. I simply don’t look up at the sky anymore. And I didn’t see them then, either. I was by myself, and I wasn’t about to go walking around a campground alone in the middle of the night. So I also had this thought: I was lonely.

I have this constant dilemma.

Permanence makes me uncomfortable.

I love adventure, I love to go out and see the world. I love to be in a new place every couple of days, meeting new people at each new stop. I love being able to just go, wherever I feel like going, and stay as long as I want, and do whatever I want to do while I am there. It’s exciting. It’s efficient. I don’t have to ask about someone else’s preferences, and I have enough unpredictable moods of my own to juggle. I like keeping peanut butter and jelly in the car and not having to stop at every McDonald’s on the planet. I like not having to explain to a travel companion why I have to stop at the Hard Rock Cafe in every city. . .do I need to continue?

But in the midst of all those adventures…there’s those moments. When the completely drunk guy makes his grand entrance into the otherwise deserted brewery while his friends are at work…and you wish there was someone else there with you to assess the situation and laugh about it later. When you’re reading original handwritten lyrics in the Bruce Springsteen special exhibit in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and just want someone there to sing the song you both used to play over and over again. When you see a truck in Ohio with “Hillbilly Express” painted across the tailgate and a cowbell attached to the trailer hitch. When you’re dancing (in the car) to Paper Planes or trying to sound like Tracy Chapman singing Fast Car.

For the most part, life’s much easier on your own. But it’s not really worth missing out on those moments that require company to reach their highest “memory-making” potential. The best conversations are always those that start with “Remember when…” and though you may see the world and do everything under the sun…if you can’t turn to anyone and say, “remember when…” what was it all really worth?

Maybe we’re selfish. Maybe we just don’t have a clue what our place is in the world. Maybe we never really had a chance to chase a dream…a real dream that we’ve thought about and planned for forever. . .and we’re still just waiting for it to happen. Or maybe, we’re afraid to give up some things for the good of someone else, because we’re so used to being let down – better to run away before something can go wrong. For people like us…who always change our minds, or are searching for that next big adventure, the trick is finding someone with whom we can be permanently un-permanent.

We’re human. Some of us will always need adventure, uncertainty, excitement. But no matter how often we repeat those words…”I am a rock. I am an island,” Every one of us will always need relationship. It’s just how we’re made.

It’s nearly midnight. I wanted to be in bed at least two hours ago. Yet here I am, stressed out, broke from my last adventure, staring at a pile of bills, receipts, and a long list of “things to do.”

I finished babysitting early today, around 6:30. I decided I would take the time to pick up the futon cover that needed a zipper repair and put it back on my old roommate’s couch. As soon as I pulled the zipper, the slider snapped in two. At this point, the tailor’s was already closed. Frustrated, an hour wasted, I headed home, fuming that yet again, I paid for services not received.

It’s not the first time. In fact, it’s one in a long line of what seems to be the trend lately. Landlord A charged me $125 for advertising because I terminated the lease early. Oddly enough, the new tenant responded to my postings on craigslist, and Landlord A didn’t even do any of his own advertising but for a small sign in the upstairs window. Landlord B charged a total of $800 in addition to the past two months’ rent for a house that is really unlivable. And Landlord C is asking for the first two months’ rent. A month before we even move in. Paying for services not received.

I began thinking about how frustrated this was all making me, but as usual, tried to see how this was preparing me to live more like Christ, preparing me for my vocation, preparing me for heaven. And I thought about paying for services not received. How frustrated God must be. He paid the price. His only son, Jesus Christ, died on the cross to pay the price – death – for our sins. And how often we choose death and darkness over life and light – because in darkness, we don’t have to face ourselves…we don’t have to see our tired, unkempt, ugly reflections in the mirror. He paid the price so that we may be united with Him. And instead we walk away…we go as far away as we can.

The payment was death. The “service” was life…union with God through Christ for eternity. And yet, for the most part. . .Christ has paid for services largely unreceived. . .